Do Professional Dominatrices only do it for the money?
When I about 20 years old, I came home from My trip to London I made friends with this 50 year old gentleman. He took Me out to dinner and asked Me a series of leading questions. It ultimately ended up like this…
Him: So, you like corsets
Him: So, you like leather
Him: So, you like latex
Him: I want to show you a photo
He slides in next to Me in this restaurant booth and pulls out his phone and immediately I silently groan and think to Myself, “Oh, no. He’s going to show Me a photo of his penis.”. As I contemplate a response to this unsolicited dick pic and how I can leave this booth, he reveals to Me a large breasted body, fully clad in a long sleeved black PVC bodysuit, waist cinched down in a shiny corset, absurdly tall platform shoes, face covered in a rubber doll mask with a long pink wig. 20 year old Me was stunned.
Me: Who is this?
Him: This is me.
Now, this was way better than a dick pic.
I later found out that I was the only person in the WHOLE COUNTRY that he told. Now remember, I am not born in the Untied States, I am from a very conservative country in Asia. But he had always, since a child, passionately LOVED being encased in a tight body suit, and fantasized being treated like a doll and dominated by a woman.
I was filled with so many questions about his kink. But through it all, there was this undertone of sadness and relief. I felt so much compassion for him. Imagine, being 50 years old, knowing your desires and passions since you were a kid but feeling like you couldn’t share them with almost anyone but a 20 year old you sort of knew. He had alot to hide, and coming from the same conservative country, a high powered job, I knew the amount of pressure it was to maintain the status quo and discretion. He told Me all this, and he desperately wanted Me to dominate him.
Now, I was 20 at that time, with no actual prior experience in domination, the idea in it of itself, terrified Me. Also, being trapped in a room with a 50 year old man alone terrified Me. I politely declined and encouraged him to find a professional dominatrix – which he never did.
“Why not seek out a professional dominatrix?” I asked, genuinely curious.
“Because they only do it for the money.” he replied flatly.
“They only do it for the money.” This statement has rang through My head for years since that conversation. Somehow, he had fully convinced himself that pro-dommes only dominated for the cash. That somehow they couldn’t possibly enjoy it more than someone who dominates in the lifestyle* ( I use ‘lifestyle’ loosely as a term many people use to describe kinksters who play without monetary exchange, there are other ways to use this term, but for the context of this post, I will use it as such ) .
At that time, having hardly any experience with kink Myself, I honestly wondered if this was true. I was young, I worked sporadically, let alone in anything to do with BDSM. I genuinely wondered… was he right?
Since then, I have dived deep into professional domination but still am a newbie in the BDSM world with incredible pro-dommes and lifestylers who have carved and created this scene for decades. I am under the mentorship of two brilliant Mentors with decades of experience under their belt – Mistress Viola and Natasha Strange, have close friends who are dominatrices, friends who are lifestylers, friends who play with BDSM only in their free time to friends who are collared 24/7. I have to say this:
Professional dominatrices don’t just “do it for the money”.
It is a pretty unforgiving job in it’s own way. The amount of emotional fortitude you need to withstand email after email of people just trying to waste your time, to hold space for your very ( often ) nervous clients, to hold space for your ( sometimes ) emotionally taxing clients who refuse to hire a therapist and deal with their own emotional needs, the requirement to be both powerful, dominating and extremely emotionally open to notice the smallest eye twitch and lip bite of a submissive while also recognizing that you are locked in a room with a man twice the size as you and that is a risk in it of itself is ALOT. These are just a tiny handful of the emotional ( and physical ) aspects. There is the reality that you are NOT the ONLY dominatrix in the market, this was captured more than perfectly by My Mentor Natasha Strange “your sisters, your best friends, your confidants, some of the only people in the world who can truly relate to your experience are also your competition.” That is a bizarre place to be in.
I will straight up tell you that doing a “regular” full-time job is far less emotionally, physically and mentally taxing than doing this. If you are an independant pro-domme, as I am, you are also your own company, your own brand. Any small business owner knows how this is a feat in it of itself, from something as simple as accounting to marketing, the work is never ending.
And I turn down work every month because of My own boundaries, I do not offer sex or sexual services, I do not do scat, I don’t do worship of any part covered by a bikini, I don’t do somethings that really excite some people. * Caveat here: Power to the people who can do all the things I personally cannot because there is absolutely a place for them in kink and play. You are amazing and any one who doesn’t respect your work can fuck right off. *
But, don’t you make SO much money per hour! Doesn’t it make up for it?
After dungeons/hotels/flights/equipment/clothing/advertising/website maintenance is paid – the dommes who make the most money are the ones whose passion for their job shines the brightest and their strong business acumen. But the truth remains, if you don’t care for the job – you probably are not going to make the most money as an independent business owner.
I suppose what I am saying is that there are much simpler ways to make money. And professional domination is not one of them. Which goes to the last point, most pro-dommes don’t just “do it for the money”. In fact, you can tell by the content they make, the writing they painstakingly carve out, the excitement they express via their social media channels, you can see who LOVES IT and also, who doesn’t.
Back to My gentleman friend. He had waited 50 YEARS to tell wide-eyed, little, 20 year old Me about his desires. Someone who could literally do nothing about them for him besides send him off with a shrug. I imagine even if we did play then, it would have been a likely lackluster experience. My nerves hitting the roof, him with his too high expectations of dreaming for 30-50 years for this moment. It might have even put him off expressing his desires again for… another very long period of time! I compare this with someone I have seen recently, 28 years old, young, excited and eager to play – and when we did and it was pretty wonderful! He was beaming from ear to ear when we finished and so was I. It was intimate, exciting, emotionally expansive and wonderful. He had his whole life ahead of him to keep playing, refining or expanding his kinks. He found a professional who fit his needs and desires and went for it boldly.
He didn’t have to wait 50 years.
** I also know some of you are thinking, My gentleman friend is totally lying to a 20 year old to get his rocks off for free. I considered this, wrote a detailed reason why I didn’t think so and chose to delete it. What his intent was is not the point. The point is that this notion “Pro-dommes only do it for the money” still prevails and limits some kinksters from living their most fulfilled lives.
If you are 50/60/100 years old and just discovered your kink, don’t be like My gentleman friend. I genuinely hope you find a provider who is just as excited about your passions as you are – it doesn’t even have to be Me. My gentleman friend will likely keep waiting. And you, you can actually do something about it with a professional dominatrix who is as enthusiastic as kinky as you. **
** But wait! But what about findoms! Aren’t they all about the money?
Some of the best findoms I see are ones who are not purely motivated by the money, they are incredible business women/men/genderqueer folks who have found a way to lean into money as a fetish – it is a business, a kink and an art. While sometimes their branding is framed in a way that they are only using subs for their money, it is tapping into the psychology of that fetish. The best findoms know that this is a business and their business is that of the mind, a sub’s wallet is just a tool. Also, is it that terrible for a findome to be motivated by money if they give you an excellent service or experience? If you are a sub and this does not appeal to you, don’t look for a findom specific dominatrix, there are so many others around. Do your homework and find the one for you. **